Ultimatum's and I love you's...
9:07 a.m. - 2007-08-06
Ultimatum's and I love you's...
9:07 a.m. - 2007-08-06
Well, last night was pretty interesting. I think Hombre gave me an ultimatum. He was drunk, of course, and he came into BabyGirls bedroom while I was re-reading the latest Harry Potter book (yes...I know I'm a nerd).
He started to poke at my kitty through the blanket. I told him to quit. He kept on trying to slide his hand under the blanket, and was groping and squeezing. Babygirl was in the bathroom getting ready for bed.
"So you want some of Big Daddy?" he slurred at me.
"Stop, I'm reading."
"I can read to you in bed. I have a story to tell you...with props, too," and he laughs all witchy like. It was the most unattractive thing. It kind of reminded me of the movie "Deliverance."
He kept on poking at me through the blanket with his finger. Do you know how fucking annoying that shit is? That does not turn a woman on...at least not this one. Especially if you are drunk off your ass, with spit collected in the corners of your mouth, and your lips are all sticking from the beer and cigarettes you've been smoking all night.
He finally got pissed when I smacked his hand away. I told him, "Shit, you wouldn't like it if someone kept grabbing you and shit when you want to be left alone!"
"Shit, I wish someone would touch me. I told you already, gr8, I'm tired of sleeping alone. I can't take this much longer."
"Oh, so you're telling me that if you don't get what you want from me, then you'll find it somewhere else?"
"I'm just saying, I'm tired of sleeping by myself. The rest is on you." He slammed the door and walked out to the living room.
I've read whystingers diary, and even though I knew this before hand, the fact that he wrote that this is how a man's shows his love to his partner makes me feel really bad for Hombre. Am I being such a cold, uncaring bitch? Do I deserve to have him step out on me because I don't let the kitty go out and play?
That's stupid, because last week we made love on two separate nights, and one night he got it twice. But I guess that not enough for him. He wants to have the shit on tap ready to go when he wants it. Why should I give him what he wants when I won't get any pleasure out of it when he's been drinking. The drinking really, really turns me off. I don't like the smell of his cigarette/beer breath. I don't like to see the long strands of spit going from my mough to his because he salivates like a pit bull.
When we were together last week, he was barely buzzed. And it really makes a lot of difference. It's like I found the Hombre I started off with when we were young. It was wonderful. Why does he have to come at me like a dirty, perverted old man?
Try to tell him that this is not a turn on...well, that's hard to do. He gets all defensive. I try to put it in a way that won't hurt his feeling, but shit, no matter how I put it, he still gets hurt. I don't blame him for getting mad. I would be so pissed if he told me that the things I do turn him off.
I don't know how to handle this, and it really wears on me emotionally. This morning, he woke me up to tell me he was leaving for work.
"Babe...babe!"
He said it so softly that I barely heard him. I woke up and looked around. He was at the door.
"I'm going to work. I'll see you later, ok?"
"OK...have a good day, be careful."
"Love you."
"love you, too."
He stood in the doorway looking at me for a few extra seconds. I smiled at him, he smiled back, and then he was gone.
Like nothing ever happened last night. What do I make of this? He must still be pissed. I am. But I don't want to be. I don't know what to do, how to act, what to expect! It drives me nuts, all the ups and downs.
No wonder I have so much gray hair!