soulsearching

Well, it was a crappy fourth of july. Hombre was in a non-talkative mood all day long. He seemed irritated, but I did not ask him what was wrong because that usually just pisses him off. So I just didn't speak to him either. He disappeared for a couple of hours this afternoon. He was supposed to go mail some letters, pick up some motor oil, and head over to LilMama's house to put oil in her car (btw, I really need to show her how to do that herself). After a couple of hours, i called over to her house to see if her dad was still there. She said he never stopped by. Now, where the hell do ya'll suppose he went? I asked him when he finally got home. He said he went to buy dog food and then went by his cousins house, but he was not there. He didn't even buy the oil. "So that took you two hours?" He didn't think he had to answer that question.

We barbequed, and then my MIL called and said that Hombre's son was at her house. Hombre invited them all to come over to eat. Which I did not mind, but I had not bought a lot of food. But I didn't say anything. I mean it's family right? You can't act all stingy and shit with your family. By this time Hombre had already been drinking. NOW he was wanting to talk, and was getting all chatty. By this time, I just didn't want to deal with him. We had not discussed going to watch the fireworkds...nothing. I had no desire to go out in public with him already drunk. Last year was for shit because he was so damn drunk. That was the day he was standing in front of his mom's house with all our kids, his nieces and nephews, and was leering at the lady coming out of her house across the street. I mean he was being a fucking disrectful ass...and his mom saw him, too! I was hurt and embarrassed.

Anyways, I was not going anywhere with him now. He got pissed when our kids left together. He ended up leaving with his mom, and lilhombre and my neice and nephew. He didn't even eat anything all day!

I figured I'll leave the food out...well in the oven, covered in foil so he can come home and eat. Well, my kids got home first. They were both annoyed that their dad had gone because I guess he was being loud and obnoxious. Hombre came home a few minutes later, with lilhombre and our nephew. He asked them to spend the night. Hombre came into BabyGirls room, where I was lying down watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. He stood there glaring at me, made some kind of noise, like he was disgusted, mumbled some shit under his breath and walked away. Then he came back a few minutes later, and looked at me and said, "What are you going to do with all that food?"

"What? Aren't you going to eat?"

"No! All that foods out there...what are you going to do with it?"

"Well, damn, I'll put it away in a minute. Don't worry about it then."

He tried to slam the bifold door. You would think he knows that shit don't work like that after all the other times he's tried to slam that damn door.

I figured I'll finish watching the movie, and then I would put the food away. That would be in about a half hour. Well, fifteen minutes hadn't even passed, and he came back and said, "I thought you were going to put that food away?"

"OMG...I am! I just want to finish watching the last part of the movie!"

"Well, shit, you said you were going to put it away and it's still out there!"

So I got pissed. I didn't want to because his son was over, but I was not going to just sit back and let him talk to me like I'm his motherfucking maid!

"Shit, if you're so damn worried about it, put the fucking shit away then! What's wrong with you...You don't know how to open the fucking fridge?"

He was saying something in the other room. I yelled, "What the hell did you say? Don't come home talking shit to me. You're fucking drinking your damn liquor and now you got a damn attitude with me? You really want to do this...really?"

He yelled back, "I'm putting the fucking food away since you can't do shit."

OMG...I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, and just keep screaming. Instead I just lay back and tried to finish watching the movie. BabyGirl went into the living room to get something, and when she came back she showed me a pint of Jack Daniels that her dad had left on the couch. I just shook my head. She put it back. I knew it...I just knew it. When he gets all fucking shitty like that, it's because he's been drinking liquor.

About twenty minutes later, he comes back again, and this time he had a bag of cheetos, and two no-bake cookies he bought at the store. He took the boys so they could get some goodies. And just like that, he was all cool...trying to be nice and shit. I did not take the cookie. I turned him down politely, but just barely. He and the boys went to bed in the living room. I guess drinking liquour helps you fall asleep without any worries. But here I am, still awake...all night because I've been going over and over all the things that went on today. Where did Hombre go for those couple of hours? Why is he acting so cold and distant with me when he's sober? Why does he only want to spend time with me, talk to me, pay any attention to me after he's drunk? Why do I irritate him so much?

What is wrong with me that I make him miserable? And does he have someone on the side that he wants to spend time with, and he resents me because I'm keeping him from her? If that is the case, and he's not happy with me, why doesn't he just leave? I stay because I'm afraid he'll go off the deep end like he did the last time we separated. He wouldn't go home for days, and his mother was always worried about him. He got into more trouble with the law because of his drinking. He beat some guy with a rock outside of a bar one time. Luckily, he didn't seriously hurt him...but damn, I didn't think he was capable of being so violent. That is why I stay. I have never given him any reason to think I would do anything stupid like that if he left me. Maybe that's why he stays...because he doesn't want to see for a fact that I CAN go on without him just fine. Yeah, sure, I'll get lonely...but shit, I'm already lonely.

I don't know. I just have to concentrate on improving myself. Do what I have to do to make myself happy. It's no one's fucking job to do that. It's all on me. I have to worry about controlling the things I can control...Hombre is not one of them.

I hope ya'll had a helluva better holiday than I did. Take care...I'll be back!

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