Another day, and I'm still me...
13:05 - 2008-03-24
Another day, and I'm still me...
13:05 - 2008-03-24
Well, it's another day. It's sunny, but cold. Looks like we may be getting some rain and snow mix tomorrow. Yuck. I'm tired of this damn weather! Easter was uneventful. Went to MIL's house for dinner. The food was great. Hombre's brother was home for Easter. He's in the Marine's...works on a carrier. But I guess his stint in done overseas, and he will be stationed in Virginia beginning in June or something. He, his wife, and two little daughters arrived. And they were carrying their little yippy dog in a dog bag. Oh, how Paris-Hilton of them. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, his wife comes in looking all slender and made up, with her HUGE Coach bag that her hubby bought for her. No knock-offs for her! I'm just jealous, that's all. I want that to be me. A husband that has an honorable job, spoils me. I wish I were thin and beautiful like her, and our sister in-law's think she is just the BEST!!! Especially the oldest SIL...falls over backward trying to kiss her ass, and laughing at everything she says.
Like I said...I'm very fucking jealous. And I need to stop being that way. I used to be like her. But that seems like ages ago. I'm becoming an old fart, and I don't like it. I just get so tired of being me. Nothing changes...nothing is getting better. My finances, my relationship, my body...
It's all gone to shit, and I feel like giving up because no matter what I do, I just don't get anywhere. My car is still not running. I don't have the money to get it fixed. I don't have money for groceries. Hombre is trying to save his money to pay on this child support to keep himself out of jail. Our luck, it's starting to get nicer outside, which means probably more work, but he'll end up getting picked up and going to jail, and then we'll we screwed. I have been trying to do this data entry from home, but no responses to my submissions. I don't think I have the data entry experience they are looking for. I'm just getting disgusted and frustrated with the lack of progress I'm making in my life.
It's getting to the point where I want to go home and just drink. I had started drinking a lot after Hombre came home (after our separation). Every week I would drink on Tuesdays and Thursday's. And I would get drunk. Not falling down drunk, but more than buzzed. Every week for about two months.
I actually did drink on Friday. Hombre was gone...he was at his cousins house. I went and bought myself a six of BudLight. I drank it all, and then had one of Hombre 24 oz cans of Natural Ice. I was feeling pretty good. I was on the computer listening to my old school R&B jams. BabyGirl thought it was funny that I was singing, and had video taped me singing. Yeah, it was kinda funny, but then I was embarrassed. I don't want that to be the norm. I don't want my kids seeing me like that all the time. It was nice to let loose and just enjoy myself, without having to deal with Hombre, or worry about him.
I ended up going to be around midnight, and Hombre was still not home. I don't know what time he came home. I'm getting to the point where at times I wish he would just stay at his cousins. I don't know what's going on over there that he is compelled to be over there so much...
But I'm not going to worry about it. I'm tired of worrying about that shit. I just feel like shit. Everything seems to be shit.
Blah...sorry about rambling. I think it's because Ruby's in town this week.
I had the most vivid dream of Mr. Man last night. Maybe that's why I'm feeling like shit. I miss being that attractive woman that would catch someone's interest...anyone's interest. It seems so long ago, that I used to be someone attractive. I think that's why I begin missing him, because he reminds me of how I used to look, how I used to feel. It's like trying to see a picture through thick fog...
Ahhh, well. I am what I am, and I'm not me anymore.