Losing home, car, and patience...
3:45 p.m. - 2007-09-17

Well, it looks like Hombre is back in the swing of things. It took him a few weeks to work his way back to his normal level of drinking. I cannot stand to be around him when he's like that. He comes around to wherever I'm at, no matter what I'm doing and start trying to "help" with suggestions on how I can do things better, or easier. Last night I made meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and some canned corn. You know, ya get tired of eating Mexican food all the damn time. I don't want to see frijoles for a long time!

Anyway, he just hovered over me the whole time. "Why you putting that in there? You're not supposed to use that much butter are you? Damn, that can't be right!"

I just held my tongue, because I really had to work hard at not throwing the raw meatloak at his face. He stood there, slightly swaying back and forth, yawning his ass off. He was ready to pass out by 9 p.m. because he started drinking at 3 p.m. All the while, he kept grabbing my ass, and saying stupid shit like, "Can I have some of your loaf, huh? Can I butter your buns, eh?" Then he would laugh slobberingly. Who the hell would want to fuck after that, I ask you!

Then he got pissed because I wasn't saying anything to him, not responding at all. So, of course, he start getting shitty with LilMama and BabyGirl. Thank goodness LilAngel was there to distract him from time to time. She loves her grampa so much!

Finally, dinner is ready, and he goes to town getting his meatloaf. By the time he is done, half of it looked like cooked ground beef, all broken down and separated. I don't know what the hell he did to it! He took half of the scalloped potatoes, and complained that I put too much butter in the corn.

Then he had seconds. Finally, he laid down on the couch in his clothes, and fell asleep, snoring as loud as a fucking jack hammer. I finally relaxed when I realized he was out for the night. I don't even notice how my stomach gets all tight, and how my shoulders are all scrunched up from frustation, and the effort of trying not to hit him, or something.

He is waiting for me to take care of the problems with the house, the car...everything. I received a notice on my door stating that my house was going to go up for auction on October 4th. I contacted the association that is supposed to be helping negotiate an agreement, and they had me fax over the notice. They said they will put it as a high priority. WTF? Wasn't it already a fucking high priority? I asked her if they had even contacted the mortgage company at all, and she assured me that they had. I'm starting to get really, really, scared.

I'm just supposed to sit back and wait until they contact me with an agreement with my mortgage company. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to be saving up my money to make that first payment.

I know things will get better. It's just a matter of getting through this rough phase at this point in my life. We all have our crosses to carry, right? And if you have faith, things will work out. Maybe not in the way you think it's supposed to, but we'll be OK. I may have to lose my house to end up in one that is not falling down around my ears. Then we'll have to get rid of the two big ass pitbulls that I never wanted. We can get rid of a bunch of shit that should have been thrown away a long time ago. I'll eventually get my car fixed. Hombre can get his own fucking vehicle to crash.

I'm feeling really down right now, and I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. I think, though, that sometimes we just need to let it all out. Maybe all I need is a good as cry. Maybe this will make Hombre feel guilty enough to curb back on his drinking for a few days.

Maybe...

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