Lessons learned...
10:42 a.m. - 2008-07-30
Lessons learned...
10:42 a.m. - 2008-07-30
Hi, all! I hope you're all still hanging in there. I finally completed my fist four weeks of my transformation. The pics didn't really show a difference...to me anyways, but my measurements show that I'm making progress. This is the third day into my second four week cycle. And I still feel good about what I'm doing.
Part of the transformation, we are given lessons that we must complete in order to find our true purpose for changing. I have found that my true purpose is my family. I want to create more memories with my family. I want to be spontaneous, and willing to do things that I normally would not do because I'm embarrassed of my appearance. I don't allow myself to experience life because I'm always afraid that someone is going to see me, and comment on how different I look now. In doing so, I am missing out on great opportunities to do things with my family...like go to the lake, or having get togethers at my house. I have become so reclusive. It's not fair to me or the kids. I know that part of that reclusiveness is also in part due to Hombre's drinking. But why...WHY, am I letting that rob ME from creating memories with MY KIDS...MY FAMILY?
As I sat thinking about that, another thought crept into my mind. Is part of the reason I'm doing this because I have not heard from Mr. Man? I really beleive that he was completely turned off by my appearance when I saw him a couple of months ago. Even though he said all the right words, his actions tell a different story. He has not tried to contact me, and I really think it's because I'm fifty pounds heavier than what I was the last time he had seen me.
You see, Mr. Man loves beautiful things. He dresses impecably, always smells great, drives very nice cars, always makes sure he looks good. I think the women he finds attractive, must be that same way. Which I used to be when I was slimmer. I loved dressing nice, and wearing nice heels, having my nails done, hair done, matching purses, etc. But at this point in my life, I think I lost all purpose, or desire to do all that work. I was so wrapped up in not being appreciated (so why should I bother). I let myself go, and in so doing, hurt myself. I think Mr. Man's lack of interest kick started something in me. At first I think I did this to show him. I'm gonna show him what he's missing out on because he could not look past the outside. But now I realize that I don't need to do this to show him ANYTHING!! I have to do this to show ME SOMETHING!!
I see his true colors now, and when I was at my lowest, he could not extend himself to still be my friend. But that is something I cannot control. I can only control my own actions. And I have to put me first. I'm doing this transformation to make things better for ME. And for my family, whether that includes Hombre or not. I have to start with baby steps, and only focus on learning how to appreciate myself, and not look to others to make me feel worthy. So, yeah, Mr. Man may have pushed me along this road. But the rest of the steps I'm taking on my own, and for reasons other than him. I am doing this for someone much more important to my happiness...I'm doing it for ME!!!!