Stupid fluidity!
1:16 p.m. - 2007-12-04

I am dragging ass today! I stayed up way too late. I just couldn't go to sleep. Part of the problem was that I was busy kicking myself for, yet again, being an impulsive shopper!

You see, Gr8's family is not having christmas this year. Rather, gr8 does not have any cash for presents...not for one present for anyone. I mean, we will still put the christmas tree up, and put out the figurines, and my nativity scene. But then I wonder, is that fair? Is that right to put out all this christmas stuff when no one will be getting any gifts from me nor Hombre? Isn't that just setting up the kids for disappointment? Well, now I know that they should know better, and that christmas isn't all about presents...

Yeah, yeah, I get that! But it's been a long ass time since my kids have gone without presents, or rather have received Salvation Army presents. I feel like a failure, because I should be able to get them something...one little thing, ya know?

So last night I was on line, and I go to the stupid Fluidity website. I get caught up in all the hype, and purchased the damn thing on the five month payment plan, plus shipping and handling. All in in all, when it's all said and done, it will be a grand total of 249.00.

I was all excited at first, imagining what I'm going to look like after using the thing for a couple of months. Thinking about how strong and fit I'll feel again. Then the excitement started to wear off, and reality set in. What the hell am I doing buying this shit? I can't afford to spend that money. Hell, I need every little bit to pay my bills, my mortgage, trying to figure out how I'm gonna get my car running again? Hombre is working this week, yeah, for a couple of days. But he's only getting paid $10 an hour...

He gave LilMama $10 out of his $50 for gas. He only worked for five hours. He walked down to the corner store to buy a bag of dogfood since we've run out, and of course his beer. He bought a couple of two liters, but the rest? I don't know.

On top of all this shit, the mortgage company paid my property taxes again. I was making small payments hoping that they would see I was paying something, and just let me take care of it. But NOOOOOOO! Now I have to modify my mortgage again to pay that money back. That's how I got behind last year...after they wanted a $700.00 down payment, and then a regular mortgage payment plus the first installment of the taxes to be paid back.

So...YEAH, GR8! YOU CAN'T SPEND MONEY ON CHRISTMAS FOR YOUR FAMILY, LET ALONE BUY A DAMN FLUIDITY!

I'm going to cancel it. I have no choice. Now, I'm just waiting for the mortgage company to doom me to another possible forclosure because I won't be able to make the down payment, nor an increased monthly mortgage payment, because I don't have Hombre's income to depend on for the other stuff.

I wish he would just find another job...like at Lowe's or Home Depot! Something that pays regularly, and he has a chance to earn a raise, and get some insurance. But no...he's in his comfort zone, and he's probably afriad they'll do a drug test.

He thinks he's fooling me, but I know he started smoking mota again. I'm not a fucking idiot!

Anyways!!!!!

The fact remains that I should not have ordered that damn thing. So I've been up all night berating myself for being so stupid and impulsive, and for being selfish. I still want the thing, but it'll have to wait until EVERYTHING else gets taken care of.

So that's why I'm dragging ass today!

I need a nappy!

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