Pissy tudes, drinking, and smoking...
10:51 p.m. - 2008-09-26

So Hombre was sentenced. His charged was dropped down to a first offense, no probation, but he has to stay in that jail for two more weeks. Then they transfer him to our county jail where he'll have to wait and find out what they decide to do with him there.

So no probation, no AA classes, no fines. I think he knows I'm not happy about that. I really wanted him to be sentenced to at least have to attend AA classes.

So I'm kinda pissed about that. I have not been working out consistently since he's been in jail. I'm just tired of ALL OF THIS SHIT!! I am trying to not be negative. I keep counting my blessings, and I'm trying to look on the bright side. At times, though, it just gets to be too much to work to keep trying to be optimistic.

Last night I really was on the edge, and kinda broke down. I had attended a meeting for BabyGirls dance group. I am the chairperson, btw. It really ended up being a bitch and moan session about the upcoming production, and how the kids have not had enough practices to be where they should be, we haven't sold any tickets to the performance, and just today, only one local school has signed up to come to the daytime performance. After two hours of all that crap, I really didn't want to hear more negative bullshit at home. Hombre called, and I really was not in the mood to talk to him. But then BabyGirl started with her comments. That little girl never has anything nice to say about anyone, or anything. She was complaining about her chemistry teacher, and how he doesn't know how to teach, etc.

Finally, I said, "Can you just stop...just stop complaining and being negative for just ten minutes. Just ten minutes can you quit being so damn negative?"

Her brother and his girlfriend were sitting with us in the living room. BabyGirl then replied in a snotty ass tone, "Well...there's nothing positive in my life, anyway..."

I just looked at her for a moment. My son's girlfriend looked at her in surprise.

"Really? You really think so? That bad, huh?"

I just couldn't even say what I really wanted to say. I just started crying. What I heard was her saying that I was failure as a mother. That I don't provide enough for her, even though I'm busting my ass working, and dealing with her damn father. Somehow that one comment made me feel like all her unhappiness was my fault...

Just the fact that she thinks she has it that bad hurt me. I went into the my one haven...the bathroom, and just cried.

I heard BabyBoy tell her, "Why the fuck did you say that shit to mom? Why her?"

I didn't hear her reply if she gave one. The next thing I heard from the bathroom was BabyGirl going to her bedroom. I think she was embarrassed that her brother checked her little ass in front of his girlfriend, but I don't think she was sorry that she hurt my feelings. I think she was kinda happy that I cried!

So then I got mad. And I tried to go back to my old habits, and do what I used to do years ago. I went to the store bought myself two 24oz bottles of BudLight AND a pack of Marlboro Lights. I sat on my front steps, popped open that beer, took two big swigs from it. I then proceeded to open the cigarretes, and lit up. I took a deep ass drag off that bad boy. It's funny how you never forget how to inhale. It felt so natural...so RIGHT! I finished my cigarette, sat there and took a couple more drinks of my beer (to try and get rid of the smoke taste). Yeah, that'll show her how mad I am!

Less than a minute later, I got a head-rush, and promply proceeded to throw up! I puked all that beer up, and that damn smoke taste was still in my mouth!

FUCKIN'YUCK!!!!

Yeah, I showed them, eh?

;)

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