soulsearching

OK...so I've told a couple of my D'Land buds...

Yesterday after posting, I still felt really crappy. Am I really turning into a hateful, awful person because of Hombre? Am I really fucking up my kids because I yell and shout at Hombre about his drinking?

All I know is that "J", whoever that is that left that comment, made me think. I thunk, and I thunk, and the more I thunk (yeah, I know that's not really a word, but I like the way it sounds), the more ashamed I felt.

So....

...I called Al-anon, and got the number for one of the support people. I called her, but only got her VM. I hung up the first time, but I called back again 20 minutes later. I really am tired of the way things are, and my kids are MY WORLD!!!

I left a message for the lady, but I asked her to call me on my cell phone today between my work hours. I don't want Hombre to know that I called. I'm afraid of what his reaction is going to be.

So now I wait...

...and I feel guilty for not doing something years ago, when my two oldest saw the worst of it. BabyGirl has rarely been exposed to arguments, and even less to physical confrontations. I think I have done pretty good at controlling myself, because before Hombre and I split up, we were fighting every weekend. To the point where my son would have to step in, and face his own father. Now I can hold my own when Hombre is drunk for the most part, but there were times when he just kept fucking with me, saying shit...pushing my buttons until I finally did something. That was all he would need. As long as he didn't hit first...

...but as soon as I gave in, it was on. Then BabyBoy would step in. BabyGirl has never actually seen this with her eyes. She would be in the bedroom with LilMama trying to comfort her. I would call the police, but because there were be no physical signs that hombre hit me, nor any on him, and because he has lived there for more than a year, they could not make him leave. OMG...it would piss me off when he would act all calm in front of them, like I was the one causing the problem.

But anyways...it has not been to that level since he has come back home. Instead, he gets into car accidents, and comes home late. I just don't say anything. It's not worth it...I'm too tired to fight on a daily basis. But, yes, there are times when I just have to SAY SOMETHING!!! I feel like a weak ass girl when I just sit back and not say anything...try to go about my business, while he does whatever the hell he wants to do.

I wish I would have taken this step years ago, if only for the sake of my oldest kids. BabyGirl has it so much better. She has never been on welfare, doesn't know what it's like to go to the store with a dollar food stamp to buy a candy...no one to make fun of her because she has "cheap" clothes from Kmart. She has never received Christmas presents from the Salvation Army because we did not have the money to buy presents ourselves. She doesn't remember the "creative" ways Hombre would make money just to pay our bills. He used to do whatever he had to to make money, and take care of us. Where has that man gone?

Anyways...this is just one more thing that I don't want BabyGirl to have to experience.

I thank God everyday for helping me go back to school and get a degree; for helping me get a job; for helping me advance in this organization to this point. I always thought of myself as a minimum wage kind of girl. I just wanted a job. But here I am, the main breadwinner of our family. It's a blessing, but also a curse. I know this, too, must affect Hombre. He used to rub it in my face that he had a job, and I "just sit at home collecting welfare checks."

I remember one time he came home late, drunk off his ass, and I was waiting for him. I asked him where he had been, who dropped him off, because I heard female voices laughing in the car that brought him home.

He told me, "What? Don't worry about where I've been. Look at you...sitting there with that STUPID look on your face. You're so STUPID! Just go to bed..."

He said a bunch of stuff after that, but I didn't hear the rest. I started crying because he hurt my heart...he really hurt my heart that night. Shit, I'm about to start crying right now just remembering that. The disgust on his face when he said that...

OMG...I just have to do something. I don't want to live like this. Although it is far from the way it used to be eight years ago...I'm still tired.

OK...that's enough for now. I'm feeling emotionally drained.

Hope I didn't depress anyone. Take care ya'll. I'm going to be out of the office until the day after thanksgiving, so I may not be able to update till then. I'll try.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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