soulsearching

Did ya'll miss me? I miss you guys...

It's been so busy at work, and having to deal with the house. I was able to get a hardship loan from my 401k. That's sucks having to use it, but at least I get to keep my house. So that is a big weight off my shoulders!

Things with Hombre are going back down. Last night was impossible with him. He was looking for shit to bitch about. He was mad because BabyBoy's girlfriend was over to the house, and just started using any little thing as an excuse to start bitching.

BabyBoy was pissed and embarrassed. Our dog gets really excited when BB's Chick comes over. She always sprays, so Hombre had to put her out. So he started bitching about how he can't let the dog in as she was barking and barking like crazy at someone in the alley. Then he got pissed because the kids were in the living room. He started huffing and puffing, and walking back and forth because he said he wanted to go lay down. It wasn't even late, and he never goes to bed that early...

"Is it my fault that the living room is my bedroom? I just want to go to bed, but now I'm the bad guy, huh? Always the bad guy...nobody else does anything wrong, though, right? It's just me..."

I had bought two new pans to use for warming up canned corn, or making mac and cheese. He was standing there looking at the pans then asked where our other pan was, and why wasn't I using it. I told him it was outside where he left it when he fed the leftovers to the dogs OUT OF MY PAN!!! Now the damn thing is all scratched, and starting to rust.

"So you bought MORE pans?"

"OMG...you are just looking for something to argue about aren't you? You really want to do this right now, do you? Cause I'm ready for your ass..."

"Whatever..."

And he went back outside to finish drinking his beer. It got worse after that. But then he still had the nerve to open our sliding door, rather loudly mind you, and stare at me for about a minute. Finally, I acknowledged him, and asked him what was up? He said, "So I guess I'm sleeping alone tonight again. What else is new, right?"

He tried to slam the door, but because it's a bifold door, that didn't work too well.

I wanted to laugh, but it really wasn't too funny. I really miss Mr. Man at times like that. Even though what we had was, and is not, really material for a one on one long standing committed relationship, having him in my life somehow made me feel good about myself. Knowing that someone appreciated me, and wanted to spend time with me, talking to me, laying in bed with me, helped me get through this shit with Hombre.

It was my release from the everday bullshit that just made me feel like the bottom of somebody's shoe. I keep waiting for something to happen, to release me from this relationship that is just not working. I wait, because I'm afraid to take the steps to do something about it myself.

Stupidly, at time I wish something would happen to me to make Hombre realize how easily he could lose me...make him think about what it would be like to not have me around. But then I think, he is probably waiting around, too! Maybe he wants to leave, but he's afraid to take that step also. I know he's not happy...especially since I don't make love to him, have sex with him, or fuck him period!

But that's not entirely true, either. We had sex about a week ago, when I called in to work. He and I were the only ones at home, and he was SOBER, and it was GREAT!!!

Why doesn't he see the correlation between NOT BEING DRUNK, and GR8CHICK wanting to get a little FREAKY?

This is too much work, and it's not as enjoyable anymore when I'm with him. Sometimes I feel like I'm giving him a pity-fuck, and that makes me feel like shit, and I'm sure he must sense that. I want it to be like it was with Mr. Man. No inhibitions, no outside issues weighing on our minds. Just us...enjoying each other's bodies. Talking dirty, and kissing all over...

Yeah, I miss it. I miss it so much...that abandonment. Maybe it was the excitement possibly getting caught that just made everything that much more intense.

I would love it when later in the day, I could smell his cologne on my body, and it would bring back visuals of what we had just done to each other. Then he would call me and say things to me, like how much he wants to be with me, and how much he enjoyed our time together. Towards the end there, he started getting more reckless.

Once I had run into him at the mall when I was doing some christmas shopping. I was alone...he was alone. We walked and talked for five minutes, and I was heading out. At the door, in the middle of the crowded store...he grabbed my wrist, and pulled me towards him, and planted a good juicy kiss on my lips. I was so taken aback...

I just looked at him with my eyes as big as saucers, then I quickly looked around to see if anyone was staring at us. Everyone just went about their business, and didn't pay us any mind.

But the fact that he wanted to kiss me that badly...in front of the world...

...well, that spoke volumes to me.

But all that is in the past. I must put that behind me, and work on the future.

I feel sad, now.

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