Walking and walking....
5:41 p.m. - 2007-09-01
Walking and walking....
5:41 p.m. - 2007-09-01
It's wonderful to have an extended weekend. Hombre has been pretty tame with his drinking. At first I thought it was because of the accident...and maybe the first few days it was. But we have been so broke the last two weeks that it has prevented Hombre from drinking. No empties to return, no change to scrape. My last paycheck...well, I didn't see any of it! It covered all the damn checks I had to write to help pay for bills and shit. It's going to be the same this week. Nothing will be seen from my check.
Today, being the first of September, Hombre's deaf cousin received his disability check. Guess who shows up today wanting to barbecue? Of course, this means and endless supply of beer until, well, until one of them falls asleep. That normally means ole Cuz will be sleeping in a yard chair...teetering over frontwards in danger of falling on his head. Hombre gets so pissed when he does that. He says shit like, "Fucking drunk ass...can't even drink a few beers...look at him. He's so STUPID!"
But there he'll stand, swaying back and forth, looking at his cousin in disgust.
I got so pissed that his cousin showed up. You should have seen how Hombre's face just lit up! Just seeing the contrast of how he's been the last couple of weeks, and how "alive" he got when MosDef showed up...well, we've only been seeing a shell of a man.
It hurts my heart to see how he is "normally" without the drinking. He is so quiet, so withdrawn. I mean he talks to us, and he just loves LilAngel. He still plays with her, and makes her laugh. But he doesn't get all stupid silly, nor does he overexaggerate his actions to make her laugh. It's a more subdued version of his drunk self. But with the rest of us, he just sits on the couch, steadily clicking from channel to channel. He doesn't know what to do with himself.
I mentioned to him the other day how he hasn't even been outside to sit the way he normally does. He likes to watch the neighbors...get all in their business. But when he's not drinking, he doesn't like to be outside at all. Normally, he's busy picking up all the dog shit in the yard from the two pit bulls we have. No so when he's sober. Maybe my backyard will be nice and clean when I get home.
I had to leave the house. So I walked to work to finish one last re-image of a laptop. It had to be done today, so I figured I had a good excuse to leave and get away from him. It also gave me a chance to catch up on a few diaries, and post an entry.
It sucks being this broke. I used to feel bad whenever I would see adults walking down the street. You can tell those folks that are walking for pleasure...for their health, and those that are walking because they have somewhere to be. Those are the ones I would feel bad for, because I remember being that way when I was younger, trying to finish college, being in the last months of pregnancy...running, literally running to catch the bus. All the while I kept telling myself that it was worth it. That one day I'll have a nice car, because I'll have a good job, because I paid my dues and did what I had to do to get what I want.
And here I am today...back to walking with somewhere to be...away from Hombre.