Thinking, thinking, and bullshit...
10:42 a.m. - 2008-06-25
Thinking, thinking, and bullshit...
10:42 a.m. - 2008-06-25
I have written three posts and tried to post them via e-mail. I received notification from DLand that the post was successful, but when I go to my diary none of them have posted. I have opened a ticket with DLand, but you know how that goes...
I got paid yesterday, and I had to take BabyGirl to buy shoes for a quincenera she's standing up in. I told Hombre that we would be home by 7:30 since I was using LilMama's car and she got out of work at 7 p.m. He calls me a little bit before 6 p.m. to tell me he's going to his cousin's house. Fine, whatever. He can do what ever the fuck he wants to, I'm going about my business taking care of shit I need to take care of.
Anyways, he calls BabyBoy around 11 p.m. Apparently, Hombre's sister and her man were over at their cousins house, too, drinking and shit. Well, Hombre was trying to get a ride home with his sis and her man. Don't you know they get pulled over, and sis' man gets arrested for drinking and driving. So Hombre calls BabyBoy and wants him to go pick them up and drive their van home. BB tells him, "And who's going to drive my car back if I'm driving the van? Mom's already sleeping." So Hombre gets a little put out and said he'll call back in a minute. Don't you know his ass drove his own van home, and BabyBoy took his aunt home. I don't know what happened to her man's van.
I heard him come in...I was not sleeping. I lay in bed listening to Hombre, BabyGirl, and BabyBoy all laughing and having a good time. I guess Hombre was being a comedian, and was dancing around acting silly (stupid). I heard BabyBoy go to his room, but BabyGirl was still laughing and having SOOOOO much fun. I got pissed. And yes, I purposely decided to be a bitch. I got out of bed, took my cup that I had been using for pop and walked out into the kitchen. BabyGirl was video taping her dad dancing around, and she was cracking up. They were both surprised when I walked into the kitchen. She put the camera away really fast, and Hombre got this embarrassed look on his face. I didn't say a word. I walked over to the fridge, poured myself some more pop. Hombre asked me if I was OK. I looked at him with what I felt was a total look of dismissal, with a side of Fuck you, "I'm fine." He just looked at me, and BabyGirl sat down and started to shut down the computer. I was mad at her...really mad. I felt betrayed somehow. As I laid in bed, I starting thinking that maybe Hombre's drinking isn't as bad I feel it is. Maybe I make shit worse by reacting to it, by always bitching about it. Maybe it doesn't bother the kids the way it bothers me. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.
Well, I put an end to that little joyfest they were having in the kitchen. The next thing I knew, BabyGirl came to bed 10 minutes later, and five minutes after that I could hear Hombre snoring his ass off. So I spend the rest of the night awake, thinking about this situation. Thinking that maybe i'm just looking for an excuse to leave Hombre, or to step out on him. Maybe if I just roll with the punches, shit wouldn't always be so fucking stressfull. I don't know what to think anymore. I just know that I am dead tired today, and I really feel like crap. And for some reason I am horny as hell! I want some affection, some attention...I want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not such a fucking bitch, and that my company is desired. Just to sit and talk, and laugh with someone...hold hands, or lay me head on his chest, kiss his lips tenderly. I just want to feel loved...
I have to begin with loving myself first...and I have never got the hang of that.