soulsearching

Well, it's just another day. We are flat broke, and no money. Hombre is actually out of town until Thursday working. I have not contacted Mr. Man, and I'm not sure if I will. It's been so long, and I think I've changed. When we first became involved, I think I was just done with Hombre. Did not care about his feelings at all at that point, so I really didn't stop to think how much it would hurt him if he found out what I was doing.

But now, after all this time, I just can't see myself doing that to him again. I want to...you guys just don't know how much I really want to be with Mister. I've been having dreams about him a lot lately. If I were to be with him, just for old times sake, I don't think I would write about it here, anyways. I wouldn't want witnesses to my sin, ya know?

You probably weren't even wondering this, but I'm gonna tell ya anyway, just because....well, it's my blog and I want to write about this. I spent Hombre's last night at home with him. It was great the first time, the second...no fireworks for me. But there is still this awkwardness afterward. For me anyways. I wonder if he feels it?

We had gotten into a huge argument on Saturday. One of his old friends from way back in the day showed up at our house Saturday night. You know how there is always that one guy that is constantly getting into bad shit, and trying to get all his buds to go along with him? Well, that's this guy. He is forever trying to score drugs, money, chicks...

Hombre, of course, was already drinking and was well on his way to being fucked up. I could hear his big mouthed friend out there telling Hombre, "...just come with me. Real quick, she won't even know. Please...please."

Yeah, that motherfucker was BEGGING Hombre to come with him. I could hear Hombre saying something, but he was at least trying to be all secretive and shit, and kept his voice down. A few minutes later, Hombre comes in and tells me he will be right back. Yeah, I got pissed. Any other time Hombre talks shit about this guy. How he's just a bum, and always starting shit with people. So why is he going to leave with him now? I told him that we're not kids anymore, and I am not going to put up with this bullshit. He ain't no fucking teenager anymore. I said that I am not going to put up with that shit again, and he needs to figure out what's more important, his stupid ass friend or his family.

He didn't go anywhere. At least not right away. He stepped back outside, and was talking to his friend. I couldn't hear what either one of them was saying now. Hombre came back inside, acted like he was pissed and went down to the basement. About ten minutes later, he comes back up and his cell phone is ringing. He says, "Oh, shit, it's SO&SO..."

Then he goes to the back door, "Shit, he's out back now. What the fuck?"

He goes outside. About ten minutes later, I go to see what the hell is going on and Hombre was gone. He left with stupid ass. He was gone for about thirty minutes. When he came home I asked him where he went. At first he said he was outside, and then thought better of it. He said he went around the corner to some house. We got into it. I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING HIS BABYSITTER!

When I asked him the same question the next day, he said they had just gone to the store. I don't know...I just don't know. When I allow myself the luxury to think of how I want things to be in my life, this is what I come up with. I have never told anyone this, and probably never will again.

In my perfect world, Hombre would move out, and we would be on friendly terms for the kids sake. I would be single, but I would love to be with Mr. Man. But only for an occasional overnight stay in a nice hotel. Maybe dinner, and a movie. No meeting of the families, or friends. Just alone time, he and I, with no other expectations, but definitely no sneaking around. I really hated being the dirty little secret. The "other" woman. I kidded myself into thinking that it was OK, that this was all I needed from him. Just an occasional kiss, a roll in the hay...

But in the end, I felt worse because I wanted him to want me to be his for all to see. There was one time when he kissed me in public, at the mall. We had run into each other by accident. To me, that spoke volumes. To me that meant he wanted me so much, he was willing to risk someone seeing him kiss me.

I know that that situation will never, ever happen...me and Mister. It will only be what it is, a quick physical encounter.

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