Here's to health, money, home, and family!
9:14 a.m. - 2007-08-13

So yesterday was a day from hell...well, kinda. And this time it was not Hombre's fault!

As some of you may know if you read my Wordpress diary before I deleted it, I am facing foreclosure. I still have a couple of things I can do to stop it, but it has to be done before the end of the month. So I'm freaking out, but I'm trying to handle the situation.

There is just so much on my shoulders, and my self esteem is already in the toilet. My weight has been bothering me for a while, and I need to start working on that. Yesterday, my sister showed up out of the blue, and wanted me and BabyGirl to go with her to my uncles house. She had already picked up our older sister, who was waiting in the van. Why did she want all of us to go to my uncles? Because there was a wedding in the family, and none of us received an invitation. So she wanted us all to show up to see if we would get invited. Plus, my aunt and uncle, and a couple of their sons came up, too, for the wedding.

So we show up on their doorstep, unannounced. It was embarrassing to say the least, since I have never talked to any of these people after my father died 10 years ago. But they were very nice, very hospitable. My cousin arrived, the one I had been wanting to see. This may sound really gross, but when I was a little girl, I had the biggest crush on him. He is three years older than I.

Well, he comes in and starts hugging, shaking hands with everyone. He gets to me, and I stand up to give him a hug, and he tells me, "Wow, GR8, you've been on a diet, eh? The see-food diet!" He hugs me and it took me a few seconds to realize what he said.

I looked at him with my mouth open. Hell, he probably thought I was trying to take a bite out of him, since I seem to eat everything I see. It took everything in me to stop myself from crying!

I just sat down not knowing what to say. And then he pointed at my gray hairs that are showing at the root. He said something about "...not showing your age like that..." blah, blah, blah.

So now I'm fat, and I'm letting myself look old. Well, so much for family, eh? Who needs enemies?

Then his brother asked me if I'm working, and I told him that I was. He asked me how long I've been at my job, and I told him 12 years. I've always been pretty proud of that fact, ya know?

He replies, "No, you need to get another job. You need to work more, that's not working."

Wait, I was confused. Why do I need to work more? No one knows about my foreclosure situation, so why is he saying something like that to me? All I could think of was that my dad probably complained to them when I was younger. How I was a teen mom, and lived in his house with my boyfriend. I never wanted to work, or do anything. Which, by the way was not true. I had a baby, and no money to put her in daycare so that I could work. So I stayed home, and Hombre worked.

Yes, I admit, I was a horrible, terrible brat before I got pregnant. I was demanding, and mean. But I was a fucking kid, damnit! Don't we all grow up...grow up and learn? I think I've turned out to be a pretty good person, and a helluva mom and grandma. So I'm fat, but that doesn't mean I'm lazy!

Well, later when I'm home in BabyGirls bedroom, trying not to think about my family from Texas, and trying not to speculate about what they think about me...BabyBoy comes in to say he's leaving for work. OK..bye, luv you, have a good night, see you tomorrow.

Fifteen minutes later, he comes home. I asked him what happened, and he said he quit his job! WTF???

I lost it. I just went off, and started crying, and yelling about how everything falls on my shoulders. "I'm the only one trying to find a second job...I'm the only one paying the bills...It's all on me, and when we lose the house, then it's gonna be my fault right? Even though there are other people in this house that can help, but aren't! It's still ALL my responsibility! What are you going to do about college? You might need some money for that! You don't know how much Financial Aid you'll get, if anything. I won't be able to help you, because I'm trying to save the house!"

I started crying. Hombre came in and said he would sell the two vehicles he can't afford to fix that have been in our driveway for two years. He said he's going to sell the stuff in the garage. Fine, go ahead. "But what about your dad's stuff?"

"Sell it...sell it all! Get rid of everything, I don't care!"

"I'm gonna get a second job, too, GR8."

He didn't say it angrily, just a simple statement. I think I freaked them all out, the way I lost control. So everyone went to bed, except for me. I stayed up all night worrying, and dealing with my damn allergies. I got up to go blow my nose in the bathroom, and noticed the car was not in the driveway. I figured BabyBoy left it parked in the street in front of the house.

I finally fell asleep a little after 5 a.m. I woke up at 7:30 only to notice that the car was not parked in front of the house. I went to BabyBoys room and he was gone. I woke Hombre up to ask him if he saw BabyBoy leave. He had not.

I called his cell phone, and it went straight to VM. I started getting scared. Of what, I don't know, but the way things have been going lately, I figured something terrible had happened!

I jump in the shower, and as soon as I got out, I checked BabyBoy's room. He was home. I asked him where had he been, and he said he went back to work.

I was releived. I apologized to him for flipping out, and I explained how scared I am about losing the house, and I took it out on him. I kissed him on his head, and left him to sleep.

So here I am today. Tired physically, and emotionally. I feel like I'm stuck on the bottom of life's shoe. I had to stop and pray last night. Remind myself that I'm lucky I lived to see another day, I'm lucky to have a job, and that my family are all healthy, and safe. I am thankful for so many things, and I prayed for those going through tough times.

I am thankful that I can still fight to keep what's mine, to be able to work and earn my keep. I asked for forgiveness for being vain, and feeling sorry for myself.

I feel better now. Things will work out. Everyone has to ride through the rough waters from time to time. Just don't let yourself sink, and the peaceful waters are sure to follow.

Take care everyone!

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