Depressed and then some...
12:29 p.m. - 2008-01-14
Depressed and then some...
12:29 p.m. - 2008-01-14
Well, I went out with my girlfriends Friday night. We went to go see PS I love you. It was OK. I thought i was going to cry alot more than I did, and the ending was a little disappointing.
I felt a little out of place with them. You see there were four of us, and we have known each other for years and years. Well, they all keep in touch with each other, and speak at least twice a week. I, on the other hand, had not spoken with them for months. So when we went to dinner after the movie, they had a lot of stuff to talk about, where as I just sat there listening, laughing politely, making a comment here and there. For the most part, I felt like an outsider.
It didn't help matters, or my attitude when I saw my girlfriends. They all look great, and have each lost weight. They were dressed to nicely, and I was wearing my old as jeans which I tried to dress up with a nice sweater and some low heeled boots. But I looked like someone that went shopping at the goodwill store compared to them. On top of that, my gray hair is showing, no money, no color, and I am just a lot bigger than the last time they have each seen me. I could see the initial shock in their eyes, but they each recovered their composure pretty well.
So, instead of feeling good about being out with my friends, instead I ended up feeling like shit. I know that's petty, right? I would have rather stayed home, out of everyone's line of vision. I don't like being this way...I mean emotionally. And then being broke, and they all have nice clothes, and I don't. I know I'm sounding like a spoiled teenager, but damn, I felt like a damn, old-ass, overwieght fool.
I don't even want to think about money right now. Hombre has been nice, and I think he's starting to feel guilty about not having any money to contribute. He should feel guilty, and the only reason he does is because he hasn't been drinking, and now he realizes what our situation is like. I was feeling mean Saturday night, mostly remnants of my Friday Girlz night. I started to get pissed about not having money. I said to Hombre that it looks like I'm going to have to find a part time job working at McDonald's or BK. Then I turned and looked at him and said, "Or you can work there." I hesitated to see what his reaction would be. He wouldn't look at me.
"I guess not, huh? It'll be me who has to get a shitty job...a second job at that to make ends meet, right? Yeah, nothing changes around here."
I walked into the other room.
I feel like I'm PMSing again. That's how crappy I feel emotionally. I had planned to get up this morning and work out on the elliptical, but I was too lazy since I didn't fall asleep until 4 a.m. I couldn't stop worrying about the bills, and my wieght.
OK...I'm signing off. That's enough for now. I hope I didn't depress the hell out of anyone.