Making some changes...
8:44 p.m. - 2008-06-22
Making some changes...
8:44 p.m. - 2008-06-22
Well, this weekend showed me exactly what my future holds for me...unless I make some changes, that is.
Yesterday, Hombre took off as usual to his cousins house. BabyBoy was off with his girl, and BabyGirl had a movie date. I was at home by myself, with no where to go, no ride. I ended up babysitting my grand daughter while everyone else was out living their lives. I sat here, trying to be entertaining to a three year old.
Hombre was home about 11 p.m. after being gone since 6 p.m. I sat here contemplating my life. Is this what it's going to be like when all the kids are gone? Am I going to sit at home, alone waiting for someone to come home and spend time with me? I realized that Hombre and I don't really have conversations about anything. We don't do anything to spend time together when he's not drunk. I started feeling pissed, feeling like I'm being taken for granted. Not only by Hombre, but the rest of my family. Oh, mom/gr8 will be home..she'll have dinner ready for us when we get home. She ain't never doing anything...she can babysit all night.
So this morning, I ended making what I was making for dinner, for lunch...chicken taco's and mexican rice. I didn't feel like cooking for everyone when they are out enjoying themselves, and I'm stuck at home waiting for somebody to come home.
Anyway, everyone Hombre, BabyGirl, LilMama, and lilAngel ate. Shortly afterward, Hombre left to go to his cousins house. His other cousin that lives about 20 minutes away. Apparently, he was taking some brush that he cut down to his cuz' house to burn. I knew that meant he was going to be gone for the rest of the day. You see, this cousin, too, is a drinker. He left about 2 p.m. It is now 8:30 and he is still gone. Before he left I said to him..."You know, you do this shit knowing that I don't have a car, and I can't just take off whenever I want. You seem to think that I'll always be here just waiting for you to come home. But it's not always going to be like this. I'm saying this to you now...when your sober so you can remember what I'm saying to you. I'm not always going to be sitting home by myself just waiting for you to come home..."
He said, "Damn, I'm coming right back."
I just looked at him and walked back inside. Maybe he thought I'm already pissed so it doesn't matter what he does now...since I can't be any more pissed than I already am.
Later on, I was in the bathroom and I looked at myself. I am so unhappy...with myself, with my situation, with my life. I started to cry...standing in front of the mirror looking at myself. I just broke down and starting crying! Who is this person? Who is looking back at me?
Let me tell you guys something. I'm going to change. I am going to lose weight, I am going to like myself again. I am not going to live my life waiting for Hombre to come home, to make time for me. I am going to improve myself so that I love myself again. And then when I'm happy with me...I'm going after that man. That man that I've been wanting to be with for so long. I am not letting the second half of my life go by me waiting for Hombre to quit drinking, to realize that I'm a person with feelings, waiting for him to realize that I was worth it, that I can make him happy and make it all worthwhile. I see now that he won't see that unless he quits drinking. And he is NOT going to quit. I see that now.
By the time I turn 43, I'm going to be back down to my fighting weight. You just wait and see. I'm not letting life fly by without me. I have to work on me...ME!!! Fuck Hombre and always worrying about him and how I'll make him feel. I know what I want, I know what I need to do, and I'm gonna do it.
In about five years, my kids will be gone...living their own lives. I need to start living mine...without or without hombre. At this point, I think it's gonna be without him.
I'm going back to being my bad-ass self. I'm gonna take care of how I look...because that's what gives me confidence. That's what makes me ME.
You watch! Changes are coming ya'll!!