Time for changes...
9:03 a.m. - 2007-10-11

So, Hombre did not drink at all last night. I don't know why...but he was being nice, too. Should I be suspicious?

Oh, well...I don't want to waste much energy in trying to figure out why Hombre does the things he does. I have my house phone back on, my internet is back. My mortgage payment actually went down a couple hundred dollars. But I'm not telling Hombre that. He'll just expect me to have more spending money. I used that little extra to pay something on my property taxes. It barely put a dent in it, but it's something. I feel good about myself knowing that slowly, but surely I'm getting myself back on track.

It's a major relief, let me tell ya! We have aerobics today after work. Tuesday, we all felt we could conquer the 2 mile module. AND WE DID! Two miles in 30 minutes. I don't know how that actually rates...but hey, it sounds good though, doesn't it?

I felt so good after we finished. There are still only six participants. I really thought more people would have joined, but hey...we have a pretty dedicated little group.

I have been trying to watch what I eat. For the most part, this is not difficult at work, since access to food is limited to what I bring from home, pretty much. My problem is when I get home. I can't seem to control myself and limit what I'm eating. I try to tell myself over and over again, "You're really not hungry, you're just bored. Do you really need that? Is that going to help you lose weight?"

I try to visualize what I want to accomplish, and sometimes this works, and I put back what I was about to put in my mouth (much to Hombre's dismay...JK! Hahahaha!).

I'll keep working on it though. I beleive that life goes in cycles. We all have our glory periods. The times in between, I call the lost years. My first bout of lost years was from 23 - 30. Busy raising kids, trying to find a job...sitting at home too much with no adult company, my only companion was food. That was when I ballooned up to 184 pounds. I hated myself.

Then I started working, made new friends and relationships, and I felt good about myself because people at work thought I was smart and responsible. As I moved up in the company, I started losing weight (down to 150lbs), and I started feeling really good about myself. That was when Mr. Man entered the picture. Then IronMan entered the picture, and Hombre breifly exited for about 8 months (my choice).

Then everything went to hell with IronMan, and then Mr. Man...and Hombre returned. Now I am bigger than I've ever been, and again I'm not happy. It's time to turn this shit around, and do something about this. I have to start taking pride in what I look like, and take my health seriously. You know what's funny, though? I have been seeing my new doctor now for a few months. I do not have high cholesterol, no high blood pressure (it's actually on the low side), no problems with my sugar. She performed an EKG in her office, and that was normal. I think she was rather surprised that she did not find anything that you normally find with overweight people. But I'm not fooling myself. That does not mean I'm healthy. It just means I'm lucky for now...but I know that shit can change real quick, unless I do something about it.

I don't want to waste my time and energy constantly worrying about Hombre, bitching about Hombre, crying because of Hombre. I don't want to be that weepy, weak-ass woman that just boo-hoo's about shit all the time. I want to take care of shit, and make changes for the better.

I wonder if one of my friends would go with me to an Al-Anon meeting, just to check it out. Do they allow that? I wonder...

I'm afraid to go by myself, but I think once I get past that fear, I'll be alright.

Anyways...hope ya'll are having a good one so far. Take care!

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