Can't have what I want...
1:51 p.m. - 2008-02-07

So, yeah, it's been a while since I've updated. We had a shitload of snow yesterday. They even let us go home early from work...a whole half hour earlier than COB. Oh well....

Hombre has his van running now...all legal and shit, and he left last night to go to his cousins house. He called me around midnight telling me he was stuck. I told him he might as well just stay there. He said No, he was coming home, he had the shovel with him, and he would be there in a bit. Well, I waited and waited. I tried calling him at 1 a.m. and no answer. I called again a half hour later, no answer. I had trouble sleeping, and for some reason our dog was barking all crazy...running from the front door to the back. I thought Hombre was home, but I could not see anyone out there. She continued to bark, and I started to get scared. I tried calling Hombre again at 4 a.m. and then again a little after 5 a.m. No answer. He finally called me back around 7 a.m. I was mad, but then not mad. I mean I had suggested that he stay there, but he said he was coming home. I guess he fell asleep (alone?). I don't want to deal with that shit.

Other than that, things are going about the same. I'm horny, though, but not for Hombre. I guess I'm feeling a little stagnant, and I want something new and exciting again. For some reason, Mr. Man has been on my mind lately. Today, I actually lotioned my entire body. I don't do that any more now that Mr. Man is out of my life. I would do that for him. And he would love the way the cocoa butter smelled on me. I don't know why I lotioned myself, but Mr was on my mind, and I just had to take things into my own hands, if you know what I mean. I'm so frustrated with the fact that I don't have that feeling in the pit of my stomach...that nervous, anxious, excited feeling when you know you might see someone you are magnetically attracted to! Everything else pales in comparison. There are other men that I find attractive, but nothing comes close to that primal sexual feeling that would come over me whenever I would see him. It's some kind of chemistry that I have only found with him.

At night I've been reminicing about the moments we've spent together. The memories are so vivid. I drive myself crazy thinking about it.

There's no point in doing that to myself. I feel like I have no choice but to settle for what I have. Maybe I'm not giving it a chance to be everything I want it to be. I don't know...I just feel like I'm missing something. And I'm afraid that Hombre may be feeling the same thing, too.

Ugh, I need to be with a man! Update: I have added another VBlog, but it is set to private. If you want to listen, you may have to create an account, I'm not sure. Some random person left me a note on my last entry telling me I was ugly. So, I made my vblog private. Maybe I'll open it again soon, I don't know.

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