Past, present, and future....
10:12 a.m. - 2007-10-04
I just received my check for the hardship loan. How much you wanna bet that the mortgage company is going to come up with some extra fees to add on top of the $7000, plus?
It makes me made that I had to use my retirement money, and yet again Hombre doesn't have to do a damn thing to fix things. Just leave it all to me, and somehow I'll fix it, or I'll be blamed for it. Nice to know that my life partner is in this through the end, eh?
Reminding myself to count my blessings...
...count my blessings...
...count my blessings...
Don't waste time on being negative. Just handle your own, and have faith that things will work out. Just be a good person, and help others out when I can....
Kharma...
Kharma...
***********************************
OK...tonight is our aerobics class. I hate to admit that the simple "walking" tape is really kicking my ass! It's kind of embarrassing, because I sweat just putting my shirt on (OK...not that easily). Last week, one of the women turned to me at the end of the tape and said, "Hey, you're just like me...Sweat like a pig with any little exertion."
I laughed and agreed, until I was walking home, and then my slow ass was like, "Hey, she just called me a pig!"
Then I thought...OK, but I won't be like this for long! I'm walking everyday to work, and some nights walking home. I am doing aerobics twice a week...
I just have to be patient, and I will eventually see the results, right? I don't like being like this. This is not the real me. This is a poor imitation of the fun, flirty chick I once was. The chick that liked dressing up, and wearing my cha-cha shoes. The chick that enjoyed buying bra's and underwear in matching sets...not these walmart irregulars that can serve as a tourniquet on one leg! The chick that would turn heads, at least once, and not because of my fatness, but because of my cuteness. Can you still be cute at 41, almost 42 years of age? I don't know, but I'm gonna try.
Then I think, maybe that's why I have been faitful to Hombre. I'm too fat to attract anyone's attention, and I'm too embarrassed by my fatness to contact Mr. Man. Maybe I need to stay fat in order to keep myself away from temptation. But I'm not happy this way. I just have to get healthy, and remain strong against temptation.
I deserve to be happy, right? Don't we all deserve to be happy? When is it OK to finally quit fighting for something that is failing, and just concentrate on doing something for yourself? Where the hell is that line?
Which is why I wait...wait and see if Hombre will finally throw in the towel and walk away. Maybe deep down that is the reason I'm not intimate with him as often. Maybe I'm using this as a tool to drive him from me...?
OMG...maybe that's what I'm doing!
I just wish he would stop drinking, and return to the Hombre he was early in our relationship, when we were still kids and not old enough to drink. I see now that this problem has been there since the beginning. He was drinking every weekend with his friends once he moved in with me and LilMama. LilMama was only three or four months old. Because he was out of his Mom's house, he thought he was grown and could do anything he wanted. He chose to drink. And because he was living at my house (with my Dad), he felt his friends could come over and stay as late as they wanted, and just drink. Picture it...Sixteen, Seventeen year old kids drinking every weekend, and me inside with a crying baby that I had NO IDEA how to take care of...how to raise.
I was in it alone even then. I just didn't see it.
I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it....
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